So much for Island Living
by dinkyfairybaby
Summary: HPSS Will contain rape & male on male sex. Looking at the impact the life and love of a man named Harry Potter has on a man like Severus Snape... worlds apart and yet so close. Complete
1. Chapter 1

**A.N.** This is a new story, hope you like… Review me and I will try to include any ideas in to the plot… let me know!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything, if I did I wouldn't be here, and HP would contain more slash lol!

**Warnings:** This is a HP/SS paring, that's male on male, will be slash later (if you like it and I continue writing it) So don't review me and tell me its sick n wrong or whatever… I know I'm sick now… so I don't need telling later! Lol

**So Much For Island Living HP/SS**

**Chapter 1 **

Some guy once said 'no man is an island' well some guy was stupid, I bet it was the same idiot who said 'it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all'. If it wasn't him then it was his friend, or his soul mate, the other half of his brain… Merlin knows both those phrases come from guys who clearly only had half a brain. I bet your wondering why I know these Muggle phrases. Well if I told you that you'd only laugh.

He used to come out with them all the time, I learned so much while I was with him. I used to be all about island living… almost as far back as I could remember it was just me, and I was happy… ok fine, I wasn't what normal people would call happy, in fact most people pitied me, thought I was a loner but I had come to terms with my lot. I had become used to being alone and had developed coping mechanisms so I didn't feel lonely. I had set tasks to do every day and I did them, I had hours of time to fill and I did so, I did research I created new potions and taught brats, oh yes I'm unfortunate enough to teach people.

Don't get me wrong, I used to love teaching, but then students used to be worth teaching, I swear the more years that go by the more idiots I'm faced with, occasionally you get a gifted student, and that makes it seem worth teaching the hundred other idiots in that one students year.

Where was I though, it's not like you care about my job that much. Oh right, I was telling you about my life before him. Well as I was saying, if I wasn't happy I was comfortable. Then he came in to my life, oh… my whole world turned upside down. He managed to get under my skin more than most would. I first knew him as a student and he annoyed me to no end. I think the reason he got to me more than anyone else in his year was that I knew he was capable, I'd gone to school with his mother, and most unfortunately for me his father, and they were both talented in their own ways, and I knew he could do better… he seemed to have a knack for getting in to trouble disobeying the rules and getting himself hurt. He lived on the edge of danger in such a way it made my heart stop. It also made my blood boil! He seemed to have no regard for his own life, never mind those around him, and he was important! His mother had given her life for him, if I cared about his father (or if he weren't such a bloody idiot when I knew him) I would mention his father did too. But he just didn't seem to care.

Well that's what I originally thought, then I got a little too close one day and saw him in action… and well he did seem to care about others after all… in fact, he cared about everyone else but himself. _blood boiling again_ did he really not care about his own life after it had cost so much? How could he not? Well I raged at him for a while about that in the end… and I said something I regretted for quite a while afterwards. I told him his mother was my best friend. Oh you can imagine the devastation that followed I'm sure… I had only ever pictured him not believing me and him generally being abusive towards me, which only made things worse when that's not actually what happened.

_Flashback_

"_How can you throw yourself in to danger over and over again Potter?" _

"_I DON'T EXACTLY HAVE A CHOICE!!! I WAS TRYING TO SAVE MY BEST FRIEND IF YOU HADNT NOTICED!" He screamed _

"_You have all the choices in the world; you act like you've got to be the hero in every situation, and I'm here to tell you something – YOU DON'T! Do you even realise what you have done tonight?!" I asked him _

"_I DIDN'T MEAN… I… Oh fuck, I… I … didn't know what else… shit" He cursed _

"_Eloquent as usual I see. You didn't know what else to do? __So you went charging in to an unknown situation, almost lost your own life and the lives of those who blindly followed you in to such idiocy!" I bellowed at him_

"_I was trying to save my friend, it's my fault he was taken, we had to get him back and we did, I'd say it was a success" He sneered _

"_It was only a success because the order came and saved your backsides! I've lost my position as spy, which means we only have one other spy to count on, and everyone of your 'friends' is in the hospital wing! Success? I think not Potter, you are so arrogant!" _

"_I am not! I was trying to save someone's life, someone I care about, someone who I put in danger!" _

"_What about your life you fool!" I screamed at him_

"_I'm fine" He said looking down at his body as if checking himself for injury, the only ones being minimal other than his arm which was broken and bleeding. _

"_Yes you look fine…" I gestured to his arm "Your disregard for your own life is shocking, you might not think much of your parent's deaths, in protection of it…"_

"_I don't disregard what they did at all, I was trying to protect someone I love, isn't that what they did" He seethed _

"_They were stupid, and to throw yourself in to the same path as they did was stupid!" I couldn't look at his eyes anymore, I turned away from him _

"_How can you call them stupid? I know you didn't get along with them but you're like them yourself…"_

"_I am nothing like your father Potter" I sneered at him _

"_You could have died saving me tonight, so forgive me Professor, but you are" He pointed out _

"_I did that because I could; I was trying to protect you so that her sacrifice would not have been pointless, and so you've found out my big secret have you?" I sneered backing him in to the corner, if I weren't so angry I would have thought more on what I was saying but I didn't care right then. _

"_You may not care, but some people value your life Potter, my best friend gave her life for yours, so whatever you may think it's worth something, even to me" I bit out every word and by the end of that speech we were nose to nose. _

_Then I realised what I had said and moved back quickly, turning my back to him so I wouldn't have to see the confusion shinning in his eyes. _

"_Your best friend?" He asked too soon, 'DAMN IT!'_

"_Potter, get yourself to the hospital wing, we will continue training tomorrow, I have work to do" I dismissed him, hoping against hope his injuries and his hatred of me would drive him away more than the curiosity he was known for would beg him to stay. _

_No one moved 'bugger!'_

"_I told you to go" I said turning to him, his look was defiant _

"_I asked you a question" He answered _

"_There is no point discussing this matter further Potter, you need medical attention" I said pointing to his arm _

"_Your more than equipped to heal me here sir" He answered _

"_I do not care to Potter" _

"_Not even for this best friend you speak of?" He quipped, and he was going in the right direction, that stung _

"_Potter, you are crossing a dangerous line, I suggest you go now" I warned _

"_Well, I'm not leaving until I know who your talking about, I deserve to know who else is dead because of me" He said _

"_You know, and I do not wish to share more than you already know" I answered watching the puzzled expression on his face. _

"_Here is a pain relieving potion, and a blood replenishing potion, go to the hospital wing and get healed there, a mediwitch is going to do a better job than me" I said opening the door and leaving him standing alone. _

_I walked up the corridor to my private chambers and went through the portrait sighing when it closed behind me. _

_I drank a few potions myself to combat my injuries and sank on to the sofa with a drink, closing my eyes I prayed Potter would just let things go, knowing I may as well have been praying for Voldemort to change his mind and become a monk instead of going for world domination. _

_I had only had a sip of my drink when I heard knocking on the portrait… If it were a Slytherin they would have known to contact a prefect, both of whom knew the password, and would not have disturbed me at this time. A teacher would have known the password and they never came to my chambers anyway, and anyone else… well no one else came here… other than Harry, for our training sessions, and he didn't know the new password… 'Well let him knock!' I thought _

_I continued to try and rest when the knocking got louder, so loud in fact the person in the frame began to complain that he was now hurting them. Oh bloody hell! I got up and opened the portrait. _

"_What?" I demanded_

"_My mother" Was all he said_

_My shoulders sank back and I leaned on the side of the door frame desperately wishing I could take it all back. He used my movement to walk in to my chambers and this alerted me that I needed to do something._

"_Potter, I did not invite you in here, so feel free to leave now" I said as calmly as I could _

"_No" He said sitting down _

"_What do you want from me? Do you want to shout at me and scream at me for telling lies or whatever…? I would prefer if you left now, I can think of everything you want to say right now and probably worse so if that's all…" I said _

"_Tell me about her" He said in a calm voice, it was only then I noticed his arm still bleeding and hanging at an odd angle. _

"_Didn't you drink your potions?" I asked _

_He shook his head a little sheepishly _

"_Here" I sighed getting him some down off my shelf, picking up my wand I healed his arm up and then moved it, at which point he'd already taken the pain relieving potion so it barley hurt and then re set it in to place_

"_Good as new, thank you" He said smiling _

"_Yes, well… you need to rest Potter" I said standing up again _

"_I just want to know about her, from someone who can tell me more about her than that I've got her eyes" He almost pleaded _

"_What?" I asked rather bewildered, in my wildest dreams I had never envisioned him reacting this way to finding out his most hated teacher was actually his mothers best friend_

"_I don't know anything about her, people always say she'd be so proud of me, and that I have her eyes and that's about all. I want to know something real." He said sadly _

"_Like what?" I asked curious…_

"_I'm just curious about her… and I know 'curiosity killed the cat!" He smiled _

"_What?" I asked looking confused _

"_Muggle thing… anyway… please?" He asked _

"_Her favourite season was winter, she hated to fly, she loved herbology and potions, she did really well with magical creatures, unicorns loved her, she always smelled like… home" I said _

"_Like home?" Harry asked _

"_Sorry, she smelled like heaven, a mixture of wonderful smells, I cant describe, but whenever I smelled it I felt safer, happier, like going home for most people." I replied but I did not blush for one second because I did not just sound like an idiot!_

"_What was she like?" _

"_She was the kindest, sweetest most annoying person in the world" I smiled, I hadn't thought about her in too long, never mind talked about her. _

"_How do you mean annoying?" _

"_She always knew what to do, and she always knew what to say to make you feel better, she was always so _good_" _

_Harry smiled at that. _

"_Thank you sir, I'm sorry I invaded your space like this, someday, if you would I'd like to hear more?" Harry asked _

"_Maybe Harry" _

_End Flashback _

There was my first mistake… I'd already started calling him Harry! It's almost ridiculous… So much for Island Living! That's what I say now, but back then I didn't notice it so much, it was odd… it made me a little uncomfortable, but I was ready to 'sweep it under the proverbial rug' so to speak (Damn Muggle sayings!) and move on with my Island life…. Little did I know!

**A.N.** Well I started a new fic… oops! I still don't have internet, so don't ask why lol but I got this idea and ran… well wrote with it! Lol, if you like I'll continue… review n let me know.

**Quotes from Chapter 1**:

No man is an island – Bon Jovi

It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all – unknown

Curiosity killed the cat – unknown

So much for Island Living – From the film 'About a boy'

Sweep it under the proverbial rug – unknown


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N.** Review me and I will try to include any ideas in to the plot… let me know!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything, if I did I wouldn't be here, and HP would contain more slash lol!

**Warnings:** This is a HP/SS paring, that's male on male, there will no longer be slash… well its implied but there will be no lemons. Still there is mentions of male on male rape, and unpleasantness so don't flame me later when I've warned you, just don't read it!

**So Much For Island Living HP/SS**

**Chapter 2**

When someone abuses you, you are an object for their pleasure. They treat you like you're worthless and you feel worthless. Utterly worthless. You never stop loving them, you stop loving yourself. That is the terrible aftermath of abuse.

I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused everyone, really when I think back on it all now if I had never been born people would be better off. I am just Harry; I can't heal the world of all its scars, people are looking at me like I can.

I guess I should start at the beginning…

Well once upon a time… which is actually 17 years ago, but I thought writing that would seem better, which is kind of cancelled out now because I'm writing all this but, ah well no one is going to read it but me. I wonder if I should start; dear journal? Diary sound gay… not that it matters because I am gay but… maybe I should just call these my memoirs?

Anyway… where was I… oh right, the beginning… Well I think I'll start with I was born, and everything was great (not that I really remember) my first memory consists of a green flashing light and a laugh… and a woman with red hair. Well it turns out that that's my mum, and the green light is her being murdered… oh and the laugh, that's the guy who murdered her laughing. So as far as good memories go I don't count this one. But that's not important for now, because I didn't know all that until I was 13, well obviously I had the memory, it just wasn't as vivid and I had no idea what it meant.

So, with my parents dead I was sent to live with my mothers sister, Petunia, and her husband Vernon (my aunt and uncle, I just prefer not to call them it) and their son Dudley. It suffices to say they didn't really like me, and didn't really want me. So the first year of my life I was loved (apparently, like I say I don't remember) and the next 10 I was… lets just say unloved. However, I have to say more so you can really understand me. I didn't really know what 'love' was until I was about 12.

My aunt and uncle weren't the kindest of people, and I had done chores (cooking, cleaning, gardening, tidying etc) as long as I could remember, and before most children had really considered who picked their things up from the messy pile on the floor and how the mud they got on their favourite t-shirt was clean and in their drawn the next time they wanted it I knew how to wash, dry, iron and properly fold and hang clothes and put them away for the next time they were needed.

I had learned that if I didn't do these chores I didn't get to eat, and if that didn't work I received other punishments, like shaving all my hair off or shoving me in my cupboard for days at a time, and if things were worse then I would be physically abused until I could no longer stand, but then as often as I could I just did the chores, I learned my lessons, but sometimes it was hard, sometimes I couldn't obey a rule because I didn't know their was a rule until I'd broken it and been beaten for it. Other times things that I couldn't control happened, and no matter how much I pleaded I didn't do it, like the time when my hair grew back over night by its self, I still received the beating anyway.

I used to think that these extra things I had to do meant that I was more loved, I was never hugged like my cousin was, but then he never did any chores, so when I was really small I used to think I was special, one day I asked if I was, that was the day I found out about the 'no questions rule' and I couldn't sit down for a week without wincing.

11 years of my life past by in much the same fashion, I was constantly jumping through hoops that were moved at the last second so I never quite made it, the goal post were always moved so I could never win anything. So I believed life wasn't about winning, I believed I was a bad child, and uncle Vernon and aunt Petunia would have loved me like they loved Dudley if I weren't bad, so they loved me in different ways, to make me better, because I was a dirty freak, so uncle Vernon used to show me how he loved me in different ways to Dudley. The first time that happened I was 7. Again I couldn't sit down for a week, but I was horrified by what had happened to me, because I didn't know about rape then. I knew it hurt, and I knew I didn't want it to happen again, but at the same time my uncle had said the words I'd wanted to hear as long as I remembered 'I love you' he had explained about me being different, and how I needed this to make me normal, and I believed him, this happened every few months when aunt petunia would go out with Dudley to buy him some new trainers, or the latest video game.

Things changed when I was 11, firstly I found out I was a wizard, which was strange and yet exciting, but uncle Vernon and aunt Petunia didn't seem to think so, I was called a freak more, and uncle Vernon didn't touch me in the same ways anymore. So I thought he didn't love me anymore.

I went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and I was famous, everybody wanted to know me, everyone was whispering all around me and trying to be my friend, I was confused and I felt really alone. This boy and his family helped me through the barrier that separated the Hogwarts express from the Muggle world and I sat with him on the train, he seemed nice, and quite shy like me, I found my first friend in Ronald Weasley, I later found out he wasn't shy at all really, just about meeting a really famous guy (me.)

My first year at Hogwarts I found out a lot of things I didn't know about, I made more friends, all of whom hugged me and by the end of my first year (after defeating the guy who murdered my parents who is called Voldemort by the way) Dumbledore, the headmaster of the school, told me all about my ability to love, which was strange to me, because I didn't think I knew what love was, with all the hugs I'd received and all the friends telling me they would miss me, and all the 'with loves' in my get well cards (after defeating him I spent a while in the hospital wing) I was bewildered by this thing people raved about, to my knowledge at this point I'd only ever been loved by one person, and if that was what love was I didn't want to love anyone, if loving someone meant you had to hurt them, then why was 'my ability to love' something to be proud of and celebrate.

I didn't voice these feelings, after all Vernon had told me all about how our love was secret and special. So I went home confused about how I was supposed to be special and how I had a massive ability to love.

That first summer was just like the previous years, we fell straight back in to the cycle, after a beating from uncle Vernon to remind me nothing had changed. He reminded me how much he loved me a few times that summer too. Before I knew it I was back at Hogwarts, and I was glad, I didn't want uncle Vernon to love me anymore.

I had decided this year I was going to study hard, I read a lot in my free time, and leaned more things. I grew closer to Seamus, a boy I roomed with. It all started when he noticed some scars on my back, they were from uncle Vernon's whip, he asked me about them and I just said I fell over, but obviously he knew I was lying and so when the truth came out, the whole truth, about how much he loved me (which took quite a while and a lot of convincing from Seamus) he told me about rape, and child molestation and how it was wrong and a kind of abuse, he was horrified, and so was I, all these years I hadn't liked it, and it hurt but I thought it was normal, after all that's what I'd been told. Seamus told me I had to tell Dumbledore, and show him the scars, and then Vernon wouldn't be able to get to me.

So I did.

Dumbledore said lying I wrong and if Vernon had smacked me I must have deserved it, there was nothing I could do but leave his office. I went back to Seamus and cried; he held me until I fell asleep and he was still holding me the next morning. From then on he was my best friend. It took a while but I learned to trust him like no other, he told me _he_ loved me (in the friend way) and after a while I learned that love was ok, and that in my own way I loved him too. At the end of the year, after defeating Voldemort again, I went back home. I was more afraid on the train that day than I can express in words.

Things were the same as ever in Number 4, and I fit back in to my role as House Elf as best I could, dreading the day Vernon would show me how much he loved me, but instead before he got chance his sister turned up, and I accidentally blew her up… needless to say I got thrown out and spent the rest of the summer living above a pub, Seamus came to visit and we had fun. It was one of the best times of my life, but before we knew it September was upon us and we had to go back to school.

Third year flew by, I found out I had a godfather, I saved his life, Voldemort didn't show up and everything went ok… until I had to go back home, Vernon was better behaved than usual after I told him about my godfather, the murderer! (Well it's what he went to prison for, even if he was innocent)

My fourth year at school sucked, my name got slipped in to the goblet of fire by a Death Eater (which we didn't know until the end) and I had to compete in the tournament, which sucked, I got to the end, won actually, well tied with Cedric, we got portkeyed to Voldemort (curtsey of the Death Eater) and he killed Cedric, and tried to kill me, but I escaped and then no one believed me but Dumbledore and Ron and Hermione, Seamus looked after me when I got back from the graveyard, well after I was kidnapped again by that Death Eater, he said he wasn't letting me out of his sight! Well fourth year ended and I went back home for summer, again things we bad, but then they always were, I never expected anything else, the only thing that kept me going was that somebody loved me, I had a friend I trusted, and after 2 weeks and Number 4 I was able to go visit him and then go to my Godfathers house.

Then on in to 5th year, which was hell because of the new Defence against the Dark arts teacher, who was a wench by the way. I ended up with a permanent scar on my hand saying _'I will not tell lies'_ which sucks. At the end of that year my godfather died, I was sent back to my aunt and uncle, and they were told, it was a harsh summer, Vernon made up for lost time, after all I'd blown up his sister, I'd run away the next summer and the summer after and last summer he might have been killed… now the way was clear, Dudley had every game going that year, and at least 3 new wardrobes full of clothes, I went back to sleeping under the stairs for a while too.

6th year was difficult, but at the same time kind of brilliant for me, not that I'm happy about everything that happened, see I had my first kiss (well the first one I wanted anyway) it was Seamus, we both decided we were gay that year, which was interesting, and I lost my virginity (I thought I'd already lost it, but Seamus insisted unless you give it away you still have it, things like that cant be stolen) I learned what sex really was and how it could be pleasurable. (That's not to say this was an easy process, it took a long time for us to progress that far, and Seamus was patient and kind with me all the time.) By the end of the year I felt almost normal, Dumbledore was dead and I wasn't going back to the Dursley's.

Me and Seamus went back to his house originally, we were best friends (we had never been boyfriends, we slept together so that he could show me how sex really should be, and because he was the only one I trusted to do that) We stayed at his house for a while and then I went to see Ron, we were intending to meet up again later in the summer, but we never got chance, Seamus was taken by the Dark pain in my ass Voldemort, so of course I mounted a rescue mission, which cost us a lot, but I got him back alive, now some would call that success, others wouldn't. I had a major run in with Snape, up to this point he was just an annoying teacher to me, now he was my mothers best friend, and if she was his best friend, then there was more to him than I knew, and I wanted to know what it was… so I set myself a mission, to find out more about him.

Over the course of my 7th year I developed a crush on him, he was doing my training, he was the new headmaster, and he was a little more likeable, not so lenient with the Slytherin's not so harsh on the Gryffindor's, not such an arse with me, a generally more likable guy. Also, when the mood took him he was kind enough to tell me about my mother, his ex-best friend, and why he was such an arse with me, because at first he thought I was like my father, and the world didn't need another James Potter, and the fact that I'd cost it Lilly Evans made it worse. Which made sense to me, anyway me and him got on really well… we first slept together on the 24th August the year I turned 17, he wouldn't do it till after then and I had to spend my birthday with the Order. I lived with him at his house, which was a lovely manor house with lovely elves, and I was happy, for the first time in my life I had everything. So what happens?

Voldemort!

The fucking arsehole buggering shit bag!

He attacked Hogwarts, and had Severus, he knew about our relationship and was going to hurt Severus to get to me, I walked calmly out to meet him and AK'ed his ass, so he was gone, defeated on the 27th September 2006, I defeated the darkest wizard of this time at 17… I felt pretty good, the death eaters fled and some were caught, I picked Sev up and took him inside, I was ready to start my happily ever after.

Me and Severus are going to bond when I am 18, he wants to have it all planned out properly, I can't wait, a real family. I made my peace with Malfoy too, as he is Severus godson, Sev is constantly whining about how I'm 'Mugglising' everyone, and ranting about Island living or something, I told him the great and wise Bon Jovi said 'no man is an island' but he disagrees before I came along apparently he was… but he doesn't have much to say when I ask him about Draco does he?

Anyway, the point of me writing this is to ensure I really am over everything in my past. (Or so says the therapist who I have to see ever since I defeated Voldemort, because the Ministry needs to look like they are caring for me… and ensuring I don't turn in to the next Dark Lord) So I'd say I pretty much am… yeah my past is shit… but everyone has shit they go through, and I made it through, so I suppose that's all that counts… This is an account of my life on the 20th Jan 2007. It's onwards and upwards from here people!

Harry Potter

**A.N.** Well… what do you think?

**Quotes from Chapter 2:**

When someone abuses you, you are an object for their pleasure. They treat you like you're worthless and you feel worthless. Utterly worthless. You never stop loving them, you stop loving yourself. That is the terrible aftermath of abuse. – unknown


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N.** Well this is it… let me know what you think, this is my first short story fiction, and it's a male pairing, and that's new to me too so let me know what you think yeah??

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything, if I did I wouldn't be here, and HP would contain more slash lol!

**Warnings:** This is a HP/SS paring, that's male on male, which if you haven't noticed by now… is worrying! This chapter is depressing… you have been warned!

**So Much For Island Living HP/SS**

**Chapter 3**

Apathy is a solution, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life, it's easier to steal what you want than earn it, it's easier to be the child than it is to raise it, hell, love costs, and it takes effort and work.

I suppose that's true, but that's life isn't it? Coping with your problems, moving on day by day; surviving, a human needs very little to survive really, a beating heart will do it, the forced biology of breathing, that vacuum sucking in the air and expelling it, the simplicity of pressure. After all, a heart can be broken, be it will keep beating just the same. You need no will to live, not in the same way you need will to perform magic, and yet the most complex magic of all, which can not be forced but only accidentally stumbled upon, thrust in to your life with little consideration to what its trampling. I speak of it like it is a rampaging elephant and yet it's the finest thread, like silk, with the intricacy of a spiders web it weaves it's way in to the very corners of your heart, burrows like an animal in to the crevices of your mind gets under your skin until you feel it so deep within yourself that you would die without it, and when its gone it burns, it rips, it's as though you will be forever thirsty for a drink you can never find, of what do I speak you ask? I speak of the most hideously beautiful thing you could ever encounter; I speak of love.

I know more than anyone the cost of love, for I have paid the price for drinking from its cup, I have felt it's burn, its thirst and I bear the wounds from where it was ripped away by jealousy, hate, anger and revenge.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

"Every day he grows worse, I fear for him Mr. Malfoy, no one can live this way, he does nothing, occasionally he writes in his journal, and occasionally he asks me for the same script over again, but he wont say his name, he wont acknowledge he's gone, he wont leave his rooms." He sighed

"I'm afraid I just don't know what else to do, I've seen cases like this before, and progress is slow, but there is progress to speak of, until he acknowledges the facts I can not help him."

"Thank you for your help, I know you've tried, I've seen all his healers, and they all come to this conclusion, its been three years, I don't know what else to do either, I've tried everything." Draco sighed

"Do you need to move him sir?" The healer asked

"No, this place used to be there's, I've bought the land for miles around, and the cost of keeping you hear is negligible, I do not need to move him, I want him to move, forwards, onwards, for his own sake."

"Yes sir, I see that, but I don't know how"

"Nor do I, I have told him of my family, of my children, but he wont see them, even when I brought them with me." He stood and moved to the window

"Have you ever had somebody remain in this state for this long?"

"No sir, I'm sorry" The healer said

"Thank you for your time, I think I will see him today, if you could check in with him once a week, you know try some things with him, but no major interventions, I'll hire a maid to make sure he has some human contact every day and the elves can take care of the rest." He sighed again

"I think it's time to admit defeat" He sunk to his chair

"I'm sorry it's come to this Mr. Malfoy."

"So am I, but it's time, he can live his remaining years like this, while the man in that room looks like my godfather he is no longer him, he died three years ago with the man he loved."

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

"Severus"

"How are you feeling today?" Draco asked

He was met with silence, as always

"The children asked about you, and send their regards." He said conversationally

"I told them they may be able to visit nearer to Christmas, you know how children are around the holidays, I'm sure it would be entertaining for you" He chuckled, but it was a dead laugh, seeing the hollow look on the man's face almost brought tears to his eyes, but he had long since finished crying those tears.

"I wont be able to come by for a while, so I'm going to employ a maid for you, I know the elves can care for you well enough but I can't leave knowing they are the only company you have. I hire a woman, and she can read to you, and talk to you about the news and events, you know keep you in touch with the world."

He sat in silence for a while, just looking around the room, the elves kept it tidy, and ensured Severus kept eating and ran him baths, leading him to it to ensure he cared for himself but he did little else, he looked thin, and gaunt, and his eyes were hollow.

Draco looked at him for a long time; he couldn't say how long past but when he looked outside night had fallen around them silently. He felt his cheeks were cold and when he touched a finger to his face he found them wet, it turns out there were still tears to be cried.

"I miss you Severus" He said, his voice thick with tears cracking over the name.

Severus made no moves, no acknowledgement that he'd even heard Draco, no response at all, as usual. Draco's tears were renewed, and he did not try to stem the flow, allowing them to fall freely, sometimes it's good to cry.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."

"Severus?" Draco cried in shock

His voice had been thick with lack of use it was drawn and foreign, but it was his.

"Severus, speak to me, please." Draco pleaded he had not heard him speak in so long, months now, he had regressed further in to his depression and not spoken since, Draco had become used to silent visits but still went to see his godfather in hopes of hearing him speak again, seeing him live again, hopes which had seemed in vain for so long.

"Severus please, come back to me, I love you too" He said, his voice cracking in to sobs.

"Severus! This isn't fair! I lost him too, don't make me lose you!" Draco cried, standing up in haste and knocking the chair from beneath him

"Fair is just the beginning of a fairytale, life's not fair Draco, no one said it was going to be easy" Severus answered

"No one said it was going to be this hard" Draco chocked out, tears still shining in his eyes as the smile appeared on his face

"I have missed you Severus" Draco said picking up his chair and sitting down again

"And I you Draco" Severus answered

"Then why do you do this?" Draco asked

"I don't…" Severus stopped

"I know it all, so don't say it." Draco answered

"I want you to come home with me; this place does you no good. I know you want to say no, but please come with me" Draco pleaded

"We have this conversation too often Draco, and you know my answer" Severus said reaching for a glass of water

"I know, but is it too much to hope that you will change your mind and try to live again?"

"Yes Draco, it is" Severus said staring out of the window

"There is a world out there Sev, you know, a world you could live in" Draco said after following his gaze out of the window

"The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for" Severus said in a mocking voice

"He believed that, he believed in you, and the future and in all the good out there, and he fought for it, he died fighting for it…"

"Don't you think I know that?" Severus said harshly looking at Draco

"Then honour it, live for him, see things smile again, make him proud, he died so you could live, so you could have a future" Draco said, he was crying again now, but he didn't care they hadn't gotten this far in to this kind of conversation for years now, and he didn't care if every healer in Britain would smack him for doing this so soon after Severus decided to talk again there were things he needed to hear and Draco was going to make damn sure he heard them!

"What future did he give me?" Severus asked, sounding broken

"The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. Live it day by day, learn to overcome all the difficulties of yesterday. Learn from the past but don't dwell on it. Maybe one day, you could forgive him?" Draco answered

"I could never forgive him" Severus answered, tears shining in his eyes, and Draco could have burst with joy at the sight of them, finally he was getting through to him.

"Never does the human soul appear so strong and noble as when it forgoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury." He quoted

"There are just some things that time can not mend, some hurts that go too deep to heal, that have taken hold." Severus quoted back to him

"Sometimes you have to face what it is that's taken hold of you, even if your afraid of it, after all; courage is not the absence of fear but rather the decision that something is more important than fear"

"The only thing to fear is fear itself" Severus said

"Exactly" Draco replied

"I have never asked you to move on Severus, I know how much you loved him, and I am not so foolish as to believe you could 'move on' or 'get over it'…"

Severus interrupted him reading aloud from one of the many pages in front of him, Draco didn't know whether he had written it, or if Harry had, or indeed if he had read it and written it down;

"'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particular ness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?" Nothing was said for a while, and Draco chewed his lip, a habit he had picked up from Harry many years ago, which he still did when his guard was down and he was thinking, and when he was nervous. "I loved him Draco, I love him so much it never stops hurting" Severus said quietly "Then say it, there's nothing wrong with loving him, and holding on to that love forever, but you can't let that love destroy you" Draco replied "I…" Severus stopped "You have to say it Sev, Harry Potter is dead, my best friend is dead, and I loved him, I still love him, and I will never stop, I cherish his memory and hold dear his gifts to me because they are all I have left of the man who changed my life" Draco said, and while the tears were once again glistening in his eyes they did not fall. "Harry Potter is dead, my soul mate, my lover, my everything is dead, I loved him, I will always love him. Until there is no breath left in my body I will love him, I was blessed to have him in my life, for those precious moments i would give my lifetime… He changed my life, he made me whole, he made my world a better place, and I forgive him for saving my life by giving his own" Severus said, tears streaming down his face as he did so, he was sobbing though the words and slid his knees to the floor putting his head down as he cried. Draco went over to him and held him close as he cried "It was his choice Sev, he made it because he loved you, he gave you a chance to live life, don't throw that away, please come home with me and meet your secondary godchildren" Draco said "Ok Draco" Severus whispered holding on to the younger man "I'll take care of you Severus, I promised him I would" Draco smiled kissing the older mans hair. THE END A.N. Well??? What do you think? 

**Quotes from Chapter 3**

Apathy is a solution, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life, it's easier to steal what you want than earn it, it's easier to be the child than it is to raise it, hell, love costs, and it takes effort and work. – From the film Seven

After all, a heart can be broken, be it will keep beating just the same. – Unknown quote

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love. – unknown

Fair is just the beginning of a fairytale - unknown

"life's not fair, no one said it was going to be easy" "No one said it was going to be this hard" unknown

The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for – from the film Seven

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. Live it day by day, learn to overcome all the difficulties of yesterday. Learn from the past but don't dwell on it. Maybe one day, you could forgive him? – unknown

Never does the human soul appear so strong and noble as when it forgoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury – unknown

There are just some things that time can not mend, some hurts that go too deep to heal, that have taken hold – Lord of the Rings

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the decision that something is more important than fear – Harry Potter (I can't remember which book but I think its 6)

The only thing to fear is fear itself – Harry Potter (I think its book 3)

"'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particular ness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?" – unknown

**A.N.** I don't have internet to find out where I got these quotes from, I wrote them years ago, I have a 26 page word document of them all, but if anyone wants to know where they came from then I remember some of the sites I got some from and I will check up if you like?


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